If you can, watch a post-apocalyptic horror film called "Carriers". I got it when it first came out in I think 2009 but I hadn't watched it in a while. Two couples travel across the country to find somewhere safe to hide after a virus wipes out most of the population of the United States. A pretty solid cast (including Lou Taylor Pucci, whose character was the dude that got stabbed in the eye in the "Evil Dead" remake). Chris Pine swings for the fences as the sardonic older brother that resents his younger sibling while fighting to stay alive in a virus-ravaged world.
But it's Christopher Meloni that knocks it out of the park as a frantic dad trying to get his infected daughter to a makeshift clinic where he hears there's a serum that can cure the disease. Years ago Stephen King wrote a short review of "Carriers" and sang high praises of Meloni's performance, and I wholeheartedly agree with the author. That review is what make me watch "Carriers" in the first place, for sure.
"Carriers" is pretty intense for a PG-13 fare though, so kind of prepare yourselves. At one point the little group of survivors come across a doctor that's preparing a special batch of Kool-Aid, Jonestown-style, for the slew of his sick patients that are beyond hope. I warned you all this was a post-apocalyptic horror film, didn't I?
Also, in real-world movie tips, be wary if you buy a used movie from anywhere. Just had an experience with my used copy of "A Horrible Way to Die" that make my insides tighten and started to turn my bowels into ice cubes.
Before you pay for a used movie at the store, ask to look at the disc(s) first. Make sure it's not all scratched up and beat to shit. Also, some used movies are copies that people buy from Family Video or other rental places. These store copies have a circular sticker in the middle of the disc. The used movie shops peel these stickers off, but the adhesive is still suck to the DVD, which can play hell on your player if you're not careful. In this case just take a small dab of Goo Gone and gently wipe that stuff off, then take a buff cloth to both sides of the disc when you're done. Should be as good as new.
If you're a local Northeast Ohio reader, The Exchange is pretty diligent about taking care of their stock. I've been going there for years, and they'll cooperate with any reasonable requests you have.
Cheers, and stay safe out there. Don't get burned by a killer virus, or damaged DVDs for that matter.
No writings on any specific movies at the moment. I'm kind of not in the mood right now. Shit's going on, but I feel the need to get some film-related things off of my chest. Most of these points were spawned by a dinner conversation that went horribly awry. Much like "You're Next", but without getting shot at by crossbows afterwards (looking back, this would have been a blessing).
FIRST, Star Wars and George Lucas. Sorry to all my friends, but I'm not a fan of either. All those years ago I was tired and fatigued of Lucas going back and digitally adding things into the Star Wars franchise's first trilogy. "But it wasn't the movie I wanted to make," he said.
What a cop-out. Even THX-1138 had to be digitally redone before it got a wide release on DVD. What a pain in the ass. And the latter is a good movie too. Shame. George Lucas, you made the movies. They're your babies and they're loved by millions. Have the courage to embrace them for what they are. Or were, for that matter. And as for the digital editing, STOP ASSUMING I DON'T HAVE AN IMAGINATION. It's INSULTING. The story alone is engaging, and I don't need robots and mutants everywhere to add to it.
Besides, the basic plotline for Episode 4 is pretty much a sci-fi take of Kurosawa's "The Hidden Fortress" anyway. Plus the final battle at the Death Star is the same from the World War II dogfight movie "Dambusters". Your favorite space opera is a remake, sci-fi fans. Saddle up and handle that.
Does Nicholson's review take a condescending tone at some points? In my opinion, sure. But Jesus Christ, the woman has an opinion on a DOCUDRAMA. And she acknowledges the real-life heroism of the Navy SEALs and the tragedy of what happened to that SEAL team. So she's entitled to an informed opinion on a MOVIE it's based on. She shouldn't be threatened or harassed for expressing said opinion. It was bad enough when I told my high school classmates I didn't care for "Black Hawk Down" back in the early 2000's.
Back to my first point. I have an acquaintance, John, who is a die-hard, hardcore, Star Wars fan. But I would NEVER threaten the guy. Or call him un-American. Or threaten to have him deported or shot. As a matter of fact, we hung out at a party with a bunch of others on New Year's and had a good time playing board games and Cards Against Humanity all night. It was nice. You know why? Because I'm not a PSYCHO if someone else has a different opinion or in Nicholson's case calls "Lone Survivor" jingoist propaganda.
Different strokes for different folks, motherfuckers. Get a grip.
Finally, Oscar nominations. In a fair and just world James Franco would be nominated for Best Supporting Actor in "Spring Breakers". And Wendy Glenn for Best Supporting Actress in "You're Next", for the classic line, "I want to fuck on this bed next to your dead mom."
You're doing it all wrong, Oscars. You're doing it all wrong.
I'm going to wait on the PS4. First, I don't think a lot of great games are out for it yet. Secondly, and most importantly, I've got a ton of movies on my PS3 HDD that I enjoy. I can't get rid of the system just yet. Thanks to theInternet Archive (Disclaimer: it's just a website I enjoy and this blog post is not an official endorsement), I've turned my PS3 into a portable nostalgic box office.
Your local Best Buy or movie store too expensive? Hell, just go to the Archive and download a bunch of classic movies that have fallen into the public domain. If you've got a New Year's resolution to save some cash, this is a good start. You don't have to be rich to enjoy classic films. As my grandmother says, "I can squeeze a nickel 'till the buffalo shits."
First, you've got your obvious movies like "Night of the Living Dead", "Nosferatu", and "Carnival of Souls" if horror is your game. Then there's some lesser-known classics, some of which I've enjoyed recently. One of these movies is the British wartime spy/drama/comedy "Cottage to Let".
So this wartime evacuee from London, a cocky teenage kid, gets sent away and dumped off at a Scottish estate run by a socialite and her mad scientist husband (Leslie Banks from "The Most Dangerous Game", free to download at the Archive too!). The kid is bored and despondent, but not for long. The guest cottage is turned into a military hospital which takes in a crashed Spitfire pilot. Another boarder takes over one of the rooms, and it's obvious he's not who he says he is.
It also turns out that the scientist is developing a bombsight for the Allies, and the plot takes off when German spies pull off a snatch and grab in the third act, taking both him and the prototype sight. It's pretty good, there's some great comic relief, romance, and action sequences too, which is surprising for a black and white movie.
Then on the Archive there's some movies that are either unique but not great, or are just so bad they're good. In the former you have "Things to Come",the movie based on the story by H.G. Wells. It's not great, just unique, and there's some post-apocalyptic and science fiction action at some point. In the latter you've got "The Incredible Petrified World", a cheese-fest of a movie that I think was featured on MST3K. These hapless divers go into this giant diving bell and then explore underground caverns. Basically, it's a low-tech movie version of Minecraft.
OH! And I almost forgot to mention this. If you're going to download some movies and make a playlist, you can't go wrong with downloading some drive-in theater intermissions or other stuff to use as filler. The Archive even has Duck and Cover! Yes, the movie that was shown to all of the kids during the height of the Cold War, basically telling them that their school desks, a newspaper, and even a picnic blanket would protect them all from a nuclear bomb blast.
Aaaah, nostalgia. It's the start of a new year, but any time is a good time to enjoy free classic black and white movies, pop open a Coca-Cola, and FIGHT COMMUNISM!
First of all, there's really no point talking about "Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters". The film, like the show, makes absolutely no sense. Want a review or a synopsis? Look elsewhere. But there are two reasons why I gave it a view and gave up two hours of my life I'll never get back.
First, to promote both the movie and the latest season of ATHF coming out, two guys working for Turner Cable and Cartoon Network caused a PANIC in Boston years ago. They put up LED lights of Mooninites giving Bostonians the finger, and some poor sap thought it was a bomb, due to exposed wires and circuit boards. Pandemonium ensued, and the two artists were later captured for inciting panic or some shit. Because as Bush said, the TERRERISTS ARE FREEDUM HATERS. 'MURICA.
When people realized what was going on was a publicity stunt, they got released on bail. Then the artists held the greatest press conference/live trolling event ever, to further promote the "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" movie. Observe.
Second, the very beginning of "ATHF Colon Movie Film for Theaters" needs to be shown before the screening of EVERY SINGLE MOVIE EVER. It tells people not to be loud in the theater via animated food items. But these animated food items (a dusty old gumdrop, moldy nachos, a stale pretzel, a box of Sno Caps) are part of a DEATH METAL band, and threaten murder, mutilation, and genocide on anyone that uses a cell phone, tapes the movie illegally, or even crunches their food or wrappers too loudly to disturb the movie theater experience for others.
It's in my opinion the only part of this movie worth watching. As with all other movies, DON'T TALK, WATCH. DON'T be a loud dick in the movie theater.
First of all, I've got the montage song/scene from "Team America: World Police" stuck in my head for some odd reason. It's one of the Parker/Stone movies I actually don't own, but it's still funny regardless. Never seen it? Watch it or the terrorists win. YOU ARE USERESS TO ME, AREC BARDWIN.
You all know what I'm watching just five days away from Christmas? "Elysium". It's not one of my favorites of the year, and I don't think it's as good as "District 9", but I enjoyed watching this one again. The effects are great, and it's obvious that everyone that made the movie worked really hard to pull everything off (may Santa/Jesus/the Airing of Grievances be especially good to the production designers and the people at WETA this year). It's a fun-filled S/F romp, the movie equivalent of a Brian Aldiss novel like Non-Stop or Hothouse. Fun and refreshing.
Also, what makes "Elysium" great is Sharlto Copley as the crazed, biomechanically-enhanced mercenary Kruger. Fucking SHARLTO COPLEY, man. In any movie he's in every second of screen time is GOLD. He and Zeus Neeson are the only things that made "The A-Team" worth watching. In "District 9" his van der Merwe character was great, starting as a loathsome, pencil-dicked bureaucrat. Then he turned into a CHAMPION for alien-kind and humanity after being exposed to an alien mutagen and crossing the threshold into The Hero's Path.
If you've never watched "District 9", you're a bottom-feeding troglodyte. Rectify this problem immediately.
Sharlto Copley, I can't sing your praises high enough. I hope people put you in a ton more movies. You deserve it. Merry Christmas to you, sir.
Also, I'm watching an early 80's horror flick called "Strange Behavior". I enjoy this one because of the simple fact that I can't just pin it down. It's just too out there. Absolutely nothing fits, which is maybe the reason it's crazy enough to work.
First, the identity of one of the killers is revealed early on, which usually doesn't happen until the eleventh hour in most slashers. Also, it's a horror film that takes place in Illinois, but was filmed in New Zealand, and co-funded by none other than David Hemmings, star of "Deep Red". The movie takes place in the early 80's, but the kids do a choreographed dance to "Lightnin' Strikes". It's just too wild to miss. Also, I love plot twists where creepy fuckers fake their own deaths, and we've got that here.
"Strange Behavior" lives up to its namesake. It's just a weird, creepy, jumbled mess that feels like a complete movie for some odd reason. Check it out along with "Elysium" and "Team America".
Thanks to The Exchange putting next Tuesday DVD releases on their shelves on Fridays, I immediately picked up my favorite movie of 2013, "Prisoners". It was a little more expensive than if I had waited, but I just couldn't sit by and do nothing when I saw it. An outstanding, superb film. Just about two groups of parents that are put into the worst situation imaginable. Great plot twists and right turns come out of nowhere too, especially during the second/third act when a local creep (David Dastmalchian, put this dude in more stuff PRONTO) gets picked up by the police.
"Prisoners" is great. If anyone tells you otherwise, punch them in the face.
Also, I have another movie, "The Seasoning House", that I'm highly disappointed with. It got some great coverage in Rue Morgue, so I decided to check it out. It turns out to be just torture/captivity porn of the first order. Yuck. I don't need to watch that shit, people. I thought it was going to be an action thriller, and there's some of those action elements towards the end, but it turns out I should have learned my lesson with "Martyrs". Plus as an Ohio native that whole Ariel Castro thing gives me the willies too. Again, yuck.
If you see "The Seasoning House" anywhere immediately look around for a movie, maybe in the bargain bin, called "The Aggression Scale". Now this one is awesome. And it's got a pretty wild cast, too. Ray Wise! Derek Mears (Jason in the "Friday the 13th" reboot)! Jacob Reynolds (the glue-sniffing kid from "Gummo")! Some people think of this movie as a nastier version of "Home Alone" but I compare it to more like "The Hunted" or "You're Next" with a kid instead of a grown-ups running amok.
The plot of "The Aggression Scale" is simple: a family on the run from the mob moves into their new home that's isolated and in the middle of nowhere. Not long after, a hit squad finds them out and moves in for the kill. The would-be assassins think it's just the two parents and their daughter, but it turns out there's another child in the house. This second youngster turns out to be an adolescent boy that's a complete sociopath, just released from a mental institution for violent tendencies and even attempted murder. The black sheep of the family, records of this kid are hidden, and as a result the mobsters never knew he existed.
The hitmen regardless try to take out the boy too, and it's probably the biggest mistake they ever made. Shit hits the fan quick. Nasty fight sequences and Vietcong-style booby traps make for delightfully twisted viewing if you're a horror fan like I am.
This could have been my Friday the 13th post, but I wasn't feeling well and slept pretty much all day yesterday. So happy Saturday the 14th, all. Enjoy your movie watching.
Sometimes, it's just too damn cold. Mint hot chocolate doesn't do enough as a reward when I drag my lazy ass outside to do something like get the mail or shovel the driveway. I must be warmed afterwards by the bright rays (because TV's don't usually consist of giant cathode tubes anymore) of my 32' HD Toshiba playing a movie.
I feel the need, though, to mention first some of the movies I DON'T watch, especially during the holiday season. I'm not saying these movies are bad. It's kind of a late addition here, because these movies are being mentioned a lot to me lately, but I feel the need to vent.
First, "A Christmas Story". Not a bad movie. It's a heartwarming tale. Filmed locally too! But every year, EVERY FREAKING YEAR during school before Christmas break, we all had to sit and watch the goddamn thing. Again, "A Christmas Story" isn't bad, I'm just sick of it. I've seen it enough to last a lifetime. Plus the part where the kid gets his tongue stuck on the pole scares the holiday cheer out of me, especially when the other kids that are supposed to be his buddies just LEAVE HIM THERE TO FREEZE.
Also, a co-worker mentioned "Into the Wild". Same deal here. It's not a bad movie. It's through no fault of Sean Penn or any of the actors that I don't like this movie. My reasons for not wanting to watch it again, ever, are simple: Christopher McCandless was an idiot. Yes, you read me correctly. He was a privileged middle class kid that chose to become, basically, a BUM. And then he went to the barren wilderness of Alaska's wild frontier and died as an IDIOT.
My uncle was stationed in Alaska for a time during his service in the Air Force, and he would tell me stories of how cold it could get during Alaska's winters. Guys that threw the last dregs of their coffee outside would watch it freeze in midair. Or all of the neighbors that would have to get their driveways redone EVERY YEAR because the moisture and the cold made them crack.
So who the hell in their right mind would hitchhike up there and decide to stay in the boonies during the winter? Especially so ill-equipped, with only a .22 rifle, shells, bedroll, extra clothing, a hatchet and knife, mess kit, a book on local plant life, and London's Call of the Wild? That's right, an IDIOT. Mother Nature sees past all of our smoke, mirrors, and little gadgets. If you confront her and you're not fully prepared, you're gonna die. Plain and simple.
I just don't want to promote the McCandless story in any way. Hopefully other foolish people don't attempt what he did. But he's a modern day folk hero, you say! He inspired a nation! BULLSHIT. The nerve of you people suggesting that. Santa needs to send you a lump of coal. GRRRRR. Moving on...
I enjoy movies that remind me of warmer climes during this time. One of them is "Predator 2". Hell yeah, I LOVE this sequel. I've got no shame here. It takes place during a 108-degree heat wave in Los Angeles, and on top of the Predator prowling about, a full-blown gang war is raging too. Tons of action and OWNAGE. Danny Glover and fellow cast look tired and sweaty constantly; the only thing missing is the BO. Plus everyone's favorite nutjob Gary Busey is in this one, and that's a huge plus.
The director of "Predator 2" also made a movie early in his career called "Dangerous Game". You might see it in the dollar bin at your local movie shop. It kicks ass. It's basically a slasher movie with smart people that refuse to die. When the killer strikes in a closed shopping mall, the first thing the kids do is run to the sporting goods section and grab shotguns. AWESOME.
Also, speaking of movies that remind me of warm weather, I will defend "Spring Breakers" to the ends of the earth. Screw the haters and the detractors. At its core, I just think it's a movie about a group of girlfriends that go on a trip together and try to achieve self-actualization. To me it's "Easy Rider" with more neon, and rap and dubstep instead of a rock soundtrack.
But in Harmony Korine fashion, "Spring Breakers" contains scenes that are random, gratuitous, shocking, or are just nonsensical at points. And that's where most people have a problem. "Spring Breakers" is sexist, you say. It's misogynist! No, I think Harmony Korine is just trying to shock people and live troll, like he always does. So say what you will.
Now if you don't mind, I'm going to finish the conclusion of the latter film and top off my hot chocolate. SPRING BREAK FOREVER.
