Winter Watching and NOT Watching

Sometimes, it's just too damn cold. Mint hot chocolate doesn't do enough as a reward when I drag my lazy ass outside to do something like get the mail or shovel the driveway. I must be warmed afterwards by the bright rays (because TV's don't usually consist of giant cathode tubes anymore) of my 32' HD Toshiba playing a movie.

I feel the need, though, to mention first some of the movies I DON'T watch, especially during the holiday season. I'm not saying these movies are bad. It's kind of a late addition here, because these movies are being mentioned a lot to me lately, but I feel the need to vent.

First, "A Christmas Story". Not a bad movie. It's a heartwarming tale. Filmed locally too! But every year, EVERY FREAKING YEAR during school before Christmas break, we all had to sit and watch the goddamn thing. Again, "A Christmas Story" isn't bad, I'm just sick of it. I've seen it enough to last a lifetime. Plus the part where the kid gets his tongue stuck on the pole scares the holiday cheer out of me, especially when the other kids that are supposed to be his buddies just LEAVE HIM THERE TO FREEZE.

Also, a co-worker mentioned "Into the Wild". Same deal here. It's not a bad movie. It's through no fault of Sean Penn or any of the actors that I don't like this movie. My reasons for not wanting to watch it again, ever, are simple: Christopher McCandless was an idiot. Yes, you read me correctly. He was a privileged middle class kid that chose to become, basically, a BUM. And then he went to the barren wilderness of Alaska's wild frontier and died as an IDIOT.

My uncle was stationed in Alaska for a time during his service in the Air Force, and he would tell me stories of how cold it could get during Alaska's winters. Guys that threw the last dregs of their coffee outside would watch it freeze in midair. Or all of the neighbors that would have to get their driveways redone EVERY YEAR because the moisture and the cold made them crack.

So who the hell in their right mind would hitchhike up there and decide to stay in the boonies during the winter? Especially so ill-equipped, with only a .22 rifle, shells, bedroll, extra clothing, a hatchet and knife, mess kit, a book on local plant life, and London's Call of the Wild? That's right, an IDIOT. Mother Nature sees past all of our smoke, mirrors, and little gadgets. If you confront her and you're not fully prepared, you're gonna die. Plain and simple.

I just don't want to promote the McCandless story in any way. Hopefully other foolish people don't attempt what he did. But he's a modern day folk hero, you say! He inspired a nation! BULLSHIT. The nerve of you people suggesting that. Santa needs to send you a lump of coal. GRRRRR. Moving on...

I enjoy movies that remind me of warmer climes during this time. One of them is "Predator 2". Hell yeah, I LOVE this sequel. I've got no shame here. It takes place during a 108-degree heat wave in Los Angeles, and on top of the Predator prowling about, a full-blown gang war is raging too. Tons of action and OWNAGE. Danny Glover and fellow cast look tired and sweaty constantly; the only thing missing is the BO. Plus everyone's favorite nutjob Gary Busey is in this one, and that's a huge plus.

The director of "Predator 2" also made a movie early in his career called "Dangerous Game". You might see it in the dollar bin at your local movie shop. It kicks ass. It's basically a slasher movie with smart people that refuse to die. When the killer strikes in a closed shopping mall, the first thing the kids do is run to the sporting goods section and grab shotguns. AWESOME.

Also, speaking of movies that remind me of warm weather, I will defend "Spring Breakers" to the ends of the earth. Screw the haters and the detractors.  At its core, I just think it's a movie about a group of girlfriends that go on a trip together and try to achieve self-actualization. To me it's "Easy Rider" with more neon, and rap and dubstep instead of a rock soundtrack.

But in Harmony Korine fashion, "Spring Breakers" contains scenes that are random, gratuitous, shocking, or are just nonsensical at points. And that's where most people have a problem. "Spring Breakers" is sexist, you say. It's misogynist! No, I think Harmony Korine is just trying to shock people and live troll, like he always does. So say what you will.

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to finish the conclusion of the latter film and top off my hot chocolate. SPRING BREAK FOREVER.