First of all, there's really no point talking about "Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters". The film, like the show, makes absolutely no sense. Want a review or a synopsis? Look elsewhere. But there are two reasons why I gave it a view and gave up two hours of my life I'll never get back.
First, to promote both the movie and the latest season of ATHF coming out, two guys working for Turner Cable and Cartoon Network caused a PANIC in Boston years ago. They put up LED lights of Mooninites giving Bostonians the finger, and some poor sap thought it was a bomb, due to exposed wires and circuit boards. Pandemonium ensued, and the two artists were later captured for inciting panic or some shit. Because as Bush said, the TERRERISTS ARE FREEDUM HATERS. 'MURICA.
When people realized what was going on was a publicity stunt, they got released on bail. Then the artists held the greatest press conference/live trolling event ever, to further promote the "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" movie. Observe.
Second, the very beginning of "ATHF Colon Movie Film for Theaters" needs to be shown before the screening of EVERY SINGLE MOVIE EVER. It tells people not to be loud in the theater via animated food items. But these animated food items (a dusty old gumdrop, moldy nachos, a stale pretzel, a box of Sno Caps) are part of a DEATH METAL band, and threaten murder, mutilation, and genocide on anyone that uses a cell phone, tapes the movie illegally, or even crunches their food or wrappers too loudly to disturb the movie theater experience for others.
It's in my opinion the only part of this movie worth watching. As with all other movies, DON'T TALK, WATCH. DON'T be a loud dick in the movie theater.
First of all, I've got the montage song/scene from "Team America: World Police" stuck in my head for some odd reason. It's one of the Parker/Stone movies I actually don't own, but it's still funny regardless. Never seen it? Watch it or the terrorists win. YOU ARE USERESS TO ME, AREC BARDWIN.
You all know what I'm watching just five days away from Christmas? "Elysium". It's not one of my favorites of the year, and I don't think it's as good as "District 9", but I enjoyed watching this one again. The effects are great, and it's obvious that everyone that made the movie worked really hard to pull everything off (may Santa/Jesus/the Airing of Grievances be especially good to the production designers and the people at WETA this year). It's a fun-filled S/F romp, the movie equivalent of a Brian Aldiss novel like Non-Stop or Hothouse. Fun and refreshing.
Also, what makes "Elysium" great is Sharlto Copley as the crazed, biomechanically-enhanced mercenary Kruger. Fucking SHARLTO COPLEY, man. In any movie he's in every second of screen time is GOLD. He and Zeus Neeson are the only things that made "The A-Team" worth watching. In "District 9" his van der Merwe character was great, starting as a loathsome, pencil-dicked bureaucrat. Then he turned into a CHAMPION for alien-kind and humanity after being exposed to an alien mutagen and crossing the threshold into The Hero's Path.
If you've never watched "District 9", you're a bottom-feeding troglodyte. Rectify this problem immediately.
Sharlto Copley, I can't sing your praises high enough. I hope people put you in a ton more movies. You deserve it. Merry Christmas to you, sir.
Also, I'm watching an early 80's horror flick called "Strange Behavior". I enjoy this one because of the simple fact that I can't just pin it down. It's just too out there. Absolutely nothing fits, which is maybe the reason it's crazy enough to work.
First, the identity of one of the killers is revealed early on, which usually doesn't happen until the eleventh hour in most slashers. Also, it's a horror film that takes place in Illinois, but was filmed in New Zealand, and co-funded by none other than David Hemmings, star of "Deep Red". The movie takes place in the early 80's, but the kids do a choreographed dance to "Lightnin' Strikes". It's just too wild to miss. Also, I love plot twists where creepy fuckers fake their own deaths, and we've got that here.
"Strange Behavior" lives up to its namesake. It's just a weird, creepy, jumbled mess that feels like a complete movie for some odd reason. Check it out along with "Elysium" and "Team America".
Thanks to The Exchange putting next Tuesday DVD releases on their shelves on Fridays, I immediately picked up my favorite movie of 2013, "Prisoners". It was a little more expensive than if I had waited, but I just couldn't sit by and do nothing when I saw it. An outstanding, superb film. Just about two groups of parents that are put into the worst situation imaginable. Great plot twists and right turns come out of nowhere too, especially during the second/third act when a local creep (David Dastmalchian, put this dude in more stuff PRONTO) gets picked up by the police.
"Prisoners" is great. If anyone tells you otherwise, punch them in the face.
Also, I have another movie, "The Seasoning House", that I'm highly disappointed with. It got some great coverage in Rue Morgue, so I decided to check it out. It turns out to be just torture/captivity porn of the first order. Yuck. I don't need to watch that shit, people. I thought it was going to be an action thriller, and there's some of those action elements towards the end, but it turns out I should have learned my lesson with "Martyrs". Plus as an Ohio native that whole Ariel Castro thing gives me the willies too. Again, yuck.
If you see "The Seasoning House" anywhere immediately look around for a movie, maybe in the bargain bin, called "The Aggression Scale". Now this one is awesome. And it's got a pretty wild cast, too. Ray Wise! Derek Mears (Jason in the "Friday the 13th" reboot)! Jacob Reynolds (the glue-sniffing kid from "Gummo")! Some people think of this movie as a nastier version of "Home Alone" but I compare it to more like "The Hunted" or "You're Next" with a kid instead of a grown-ups running amok.
The plot of "The Aggression Scale" is simple: a family on the run from the mob moves into their new home that's isolated and in the middle of nowhere. Not long after, a hit squad finds them out and moves in for the kill. The would-be assassins think it's just the two parents and their daughter, but it turns out there's another child in the house. This second youngster turns out to be an adolescent boy that's a complete sociopath, just released from a mental institution for violent tendencies and even attempted murder. The black sheep of the family, records of this kid are hidden, and as a result the mobsters never knew he existed.
The hitmen regardless try to take out the boy too, and it's probably the biggest mistake they ever made. Shit hits the fan quick. Nasty fight sequences and Vietcong-style booby traps make for delightfully twisted viewing if you're a horror fan like I am.
This could have been my Friday the 13th post, but I wasn't feeling well and slept pretty much all day yesterday. So happy Saturday the 14th, all. Enjoy your movie watching.
Sometimes, it's just too damn cold. Mint hot chocolate doesn't do enough as a reward when I drag my lazy ass outside to do something like get the mail or shovel the driveway. I must be warmed afterwards by the bright rays (because TV's don't usually consist of giant cathode tubes anymore) of my 32' HD Toshiba playing a movie.
I feel the need, though, to mention first some of the movies I DON'T watch, especially during the holiday season. I'm not saying these movies are bad. It's kind of a late addition here, because these movies are being mentioned a lot to me lately, but I feel the need to vent.
First, "A Christmas Story". Not a bad movie. It's a heartwarming tale. Filmed locally too! But every year, EVERY FREAKING YEAR during school before Christmas break, we all had to sit and watch the goddamn thing. Again, "A Christmas Story" isn't bad, I'm just sick of it. I've seen it enough to last a lifetime. Plus the part where the kid gets his tongue stuck on the pole scares the holiday cheer out of me, especially when the other kids that are supposed to be his buddies just LEAVE HIM THERE TO FREEZE.
Also, a co-worker mentioned "Into the Wild". Same deal here. It's not a bad movie. It's through no fault of Sean Penn or any of the actors that I don't like this movie. My reasons for not wanting to watch it again, ever, are simple: Christopher McCandless was an idiot. Yes, you read me correctly. He was a privileged middle class kid that chose to become, basically, a BUM. And then he went to the barren wilderness of Alaska's wild frontier and died as an IDIOT.
My uncle was stationed in Alaska for a time during his service in the Air Force, and he would tell me stories of how cold it could get during Alaska's winters. Guys that threw the last dregs of their coffee outside would watch it freeze in midair. Or all of the neighbors that would have to get their driveways redone EVERY YEAR because the moisture and the cold made them crack.
So who the hell in their right mind would hitchhike up there and decide to stay in the boonies during the winter? Especially so ill-equipped, with only a .22 rifle, shells, bedroll, extra clothing, a hatchet and knife, mess kit, a book on local plant life, and London's Call of the Wild? That's right, an IDIOT. Mother Nature sees past all of our smoke, mirrors, and little gadgets. If you confront her and you're not fully prepared, you're gonna die. Plain and simple.
I just don't want to promote the McCandless story in any way. Hopefully other foolish people don't attempt what he did. But he's a modern day folk hero, you say! He inspired a nation! BULLSHIT. The nerve of you people suggesting that. Santa needs to send you a lump of coal. GRRRRR. Moving on...
I enjoy movies that remind me of warmer climes during this time. One of them is "Predator 2". Hell yeah, I LOVE this sequel. I've got no shame here. It takes place during a 108-degree heat wave in Los Angeles, and on top of the Predator prowling about, a full-blown gang war is raging too. Tons of action and OWNAGE. Danny Glover and fellow cast look tired and sweaty constantly; the only thing missing is the BO. Plus everyone's favorite nutjob Gary Busey is in this one, and that's a huge plus.
The director of "Predator 2" also made a movie early in his career called "Dangerous Game". You might see it in the dollar bin at your local movie shop. It kicks ass. It's basically a slasher movie with smart people that refuse to die. When the killer strikes in a closed shopping mall, the first thing the kids do is run to the sporting goods section and grab shotguns. AWESOME.
Also, speaking of movies that remind me of warm weather, I will defend "Spring Breakers" to the ends of the earth. Screw the haters and the detractors. At its core, I just think it's a movie about a group of girlfriends that go on a trip together and try to achieve self-actualization. To me it's "Easy Rider" with more neon, and rap and dubstep instead of a rock soundtrack.
But in Harmony Korine fashion, "Spring Breakers" contains scenes that are random, gratuitous, shocking, or are just nonsensical at points. And that's where most people have a problem. "Spring Breakers" is sexist, you say. It's misogynist! No, I think Harmony Korine is just trying to shock people and live troll, like he always does. So say what you will.
Now if you don't mind, I'm going to finish the conclusion of the latter film and top off my hot chocolate. SPRING BREAK FOREVER.
The other day, I watched the gory cult classic "Street Trash". I have the DVD, but haven't watched it in maybe five years. It's a classic exploitation gem from the '80s. I won't get too far into it here, but basically the story revolves around a seedy liquor store owner that finds a case of sixty year old booze hidden away in his basement. Wanting to make cash quick, he charges the local bums a dollar a bottle for the rot-gut he's discovered.
But the booze has gone bad, and anyone that imbibes in a nip either melts, falls apart in chunks, or explodes. As you can imagine, it's super nasty. Unprepared viewers will need to take a shower afterwards. But one of the coolest and most intriguing things about this movie is that for YEARS it was a hard to find crown jewel in the VHS enthusiasts' circle. You couldn't find it anywhere. But that all changed when Synapse Films graciously re-mastered this classic and put it on DVD, a copy of which I'm fortunate enough to have.
So I pop the movie in and enjoy for the first time in half a decade. When finished, I open up the case to put the DVD away (Any good movie buff needs to have their collection organized). And then I notice the STICKERS that Synapse put in with their DVDs of "Street Trash". I had TOTALLY forgotten about these! They're stickers made to look like the labels of the melty booze Tenafly Viper, which you could put on anything you please. Fucking awesome!
I also noticed, during the credits of "Street Trash", this strange line left by director J. Michael Muro, "Thanks, Anita, for taking me to see I Drink Your Blood when I was six."
I decided to investigate, and also give you guys an insight of what goes through my head and the train of thought I have when someone mentions a movie to me. I had never seen or heard of "I Drink Your Blood", but upon this movie being given a nod I remembered I have many, many, books on horror flicks. Among them, old copies of John McCarty's Official Splatter Movie Guide.
I wondered what the hell "I Drink Your Blood" was about. In the first volume of this series, I found the entry of what I was looking for. All this took seconds. No need to boot up the computer and go on Google. No need for a smartphone. Just creepy old tomes on horror films. I'm the movie equivalent to Professor Armitage. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? You be the judge.
So, Yul Brynner. Let's say you were a movie producer back in the day that wanted a typecast mean-looking, mostly-silent tough to be in your film as an antihero, but couldn't pay Clint Eastwood's salary. Likely Brynner's name came up. Very few (Charles Bronson, Lee Marvin IMO) could match his screen presence. To me Yul Brynner looks like all of the Doc Savage covers. A guy I worked with at Fishers years ago said he looked like a less friendly version of Mr. Clean.
A SCARY looking dude, that Yul Brynner. He's best known for leading the charge against bandits alongside Steve McQueen in "The Magnificent Seven" and was also in Michael Crichton's "Westworld" as a killer android running amok. He's even referenced in "Easy Rider"; a character speaks of police capturing hippies and other undesirables and giving them the "Yul Brynner look". THAT'S how scary-looking this dude was back then.
And when Brynner is introduced in "The Ultimate Warrior", you know we're not screwing around here. A shot pans down on a lone standing figure from clean-shaven head to battle-scarred body to well-worn combat boots. Even before the heyday of 80's action films, and before there were names like Stallone and Schwarzenegger getting top billing, moviegoers recognized symbols of power too.
It's this symbol of power in Brynner's Carson character that The Baron (Max von Sydow) recruits to protect his communal village from marauders in post-apocalyptic New York City. Diseases that wipe out both humans and plant life have almost turned Earth into a slag heap. Thanks to Baron and help from his gardener, Cal, a few precious crops of germ-resistant veggies grow on a rooftop greenhouse.
But things are falling apart for the Baron's community quickly. Food is still scarce, and residents accuse each other of stealing. Mutiny is looming. Furthermore, Baron's grown daughter, Melinda, is expecting the birth of her child, only weeks away. It's at this point Baron reveals to Carson the real reason the latter was hired - Baron needs someone to sneak precious seeds, Melinda, and unborn child out of the compound to an island off the coast of North Carolina where all three can start a new life.
Carson, experienced brawler and knife-fighter, agrees. And the film's third act takes off and then gets kind of crazy. Things start to go a little awry, at this point. A lot of stuff happens. TOO MUCH SHIT HAPPENS, in my view. Carson battles more bandits and their leader, Carrot, in an abandoned subway tunnel. Then he must deliver Melinda's baby. Literally MERE SECONDS after handing off newborn to mother Carson kills MORE bandits. Then he gets seriously injured when he gets in a tight spot. Any average human would die, lose the seeds, or get the woman and baby killed at this point. It's highly unrealistic, almost laughably so.
The ending is also too abrupt, in my opinion. It's obvious they ran out of time and money when making "The Ultimate Warrior". But hey, it's Hollywood, and it makes for great viewing! The climactic fight between Carson and Carrot (who uses a bolo!) is a plus. The sets are really bleak, abandoned, and colorless. Bones and debris everywhere. Skeletons wearing gasmasks at one point. A good precursor to movies like "The Road Warrior" or just "The Road".
If you want an action movie or a post-apocalyptic romp that's polished and has a ton of production value, this may not be the movie for you. But if you want to watch something different, or if you're like me, a Yul Brynner fan that was fighting a little bit of boredom and insomnia last night, give "The Ultimate Warrior" a go.
A halfway decent B-movie adventure story. I got it years ago as part of a DVD combo with "Battle Beneath the Earth", the latter of which I have never seen.
I like to go to used movie stores. It's cheaper than the major box-chain retailers, and these stores have a wider and more diverse selection from people trading in their old movies they don't want anymore. Plus it's easier for me to take a short ten-minute drive, browse around aimlessly, and then pay a few bucks plus tax for a movie that catches my eye. No screwing around with Amazon and the shipping that costs more than the DVD itself.
Such was the case with "Asylum Blackout", a movie released by the IFC Midnight line that, thanks to the really neat cover, I noticed immediately. A cheesy, direct-to-video release. A cast of unknowns. Why the hell not, I thought. Let's do this. Rock and roll.
George, Max, and Ricky are what I call the Three Musketeers of Seattle. They're best buddies, are in a rock band together, and for their day job work in the cafeteria of a mental institution. They prepare and serve grub to the inmates. But things are slowly starting to unravel. Ricky lazily misses an appointment for studio recording time, and it's implied that this isn't the first time, either. Grungy and heartfelt good guy George is getting ever closer to his extremely beautiful girlfriend, which alienates him from his bandmates. Bitter and sardonic Max, truly believing their band will fall apart in hours, just gets more and more of a pissy attitude and lashes out at all those around him as time goes on between the trio.
But horror replaces drama and group dynamics when a storm knocks out power to the asylum. Sound familiar, gang? With the electricity shot, the electronic locks to the inmate's cells disengage, and the main exits become dead ends. To complicate things, crazed mental patient Harry Green, unbeknownst to the staff, has convinced the other prisoners to not take their medications. The other guards are killed in a separate wing of the institution, while the short-order cooks are at first conscripted by head guard J.B. to return the less violent inmates to their minimum-security cells.
Mayhem ensues. Brawls in a hallway! A buck naked inmate running all over the place! Totally random scenes like this brilliant gem. Long story short, a loony bin quickly turns into a charnel house. It gets nasty quick.
I really dig "Asylum Blackout", people. I enjoy realistic, ordinary characters. And at its core, that's what this movie is. The acting is decent. George and his bandmates are just like people you'd see hanging out in Massillon, Canton, and Akron hotspots. Plus the George character, even with his sucky job and everything falling apart around him, tries to be a good guy. Before the crisis, he takes the time to make the food taste good for the inmates, and even tells them (albeit through protective glass) to hang in there, or have a good day. George is probably one of the most sympathetic protagonists I've seen in recent horror. You really root for the guy.
I also love movies where characters are forced to sink or swim. And there's plenty of that here. George and crew at first do what any reasonable people would do - get to a phone, call 911, barricade themselves somewhere safe, and wait for help. But with tons of crazies afoot, this isn't happening. George is forced to kick some serious ass at one point, and towards the end of the movie there's one of the greatest OWNINGS in a dark hallway I have ever seen. But I won't spoil that, or the messed-up ending, for you.
If you see "Asylum Blackout" in a bargain bin or a used-movie store like I did, do the right thing and give it a happy home if you're a horror fan.
And watch out for people that you see spit out blue pills during lunch hours...
I had a blog before, but I feel I kinda lost focus. It's time for me to get back to writing and talking about what I love, and that's movies and sometimes other nerdy things. In Massillon, Ohio ("Tiger Town"), where high school football and dive bars reign supreme, this is sometimes to the dismay of others.
But regardless, welcome. Let's take this wild ride together, shall we? I want to chat about movies that interest me. Mostly horror, sci-fi, and 80's action. Hit me up here or on Twitter if you've got something to say.
