"Robocop", the Hero's Path, and horror movies I had actually never seen.

Finally got around to seeing the "Robocop" remake this weekend, and it's not bad. I just have a problem with the story. Those who read a lot of mythology know the basic premise of "the hero's path", the trajectory of the protagonist from humble beginnings to lauded hero. Well, in ancient myth, I say "trajectory" because traditionally the Hero's Path is a one-way trip. There's no going back, especially when the final step of the journey involves sacrifice (usually the ultimate sacrifice) after the whole trial by fire thing.

The Robocop remake plays it too safe, in my opinion, and makes the hero's journey into a revolving door. It's not like the original (and also touched upon in "Robocop 2") where there's no going back for Alex Murphy after he (albeit unwillingly) crosses the threshold and becomes Robocop. There's no going back to a white-picket fence, McMansion, and suburban family after a calamity like that, people.

Again, the "Robocop" remake isn't bad. It's worth watching. But making the hero's quest more safe story-wise worked better with "The Lego Movie", which I enjoyed a whole lot more.

Also, believe it or not, as a horror fan I had never seen "The Collector" and its sequel, "The Collection". I have a movie that's similar to "The Collector", which came out back in 2006, called "Gag". Basically, same premise - a burglar breaks into what he thinks is an empty house, but finds a killer has taken the family hostage.

My verdict? "The Collector" is a modern day classic (light years better than "Gag", that's for sure), and "The Collection" is also surprisingly great. The sequel also has some cool cast members. Andre Royo (Bubbles!)! Lee Tergesen! Check both movies out.

Weekend Movies

This weekend, I checked out "The Lego Movie". It's not quite what I was expecting, but it was great nonetheless.

The story is pretty simple: a Lego Construction minifigure, Emmet, spends a (painfully) average but happy life in the city of Bricksburg. While juggling his construction job, he follows the everyday rules that make everyone else there joyful, but complacent. Park between the lines! Watch reality TV with friends! Always use your turn signals! Always return a compliment! Buy expensive coffee on the way to work!

The adventure kicks off for Emmet, though, when he's captured by the evil President Business (Will Ferrell, enjoyable as always) and his right-hand man, Good Cop/Bad Cop (Liam Neeson: good, but kind of weird seeing him in an animated feature). See, Emmet finds the "Piece of Resistance", a strange-looking block that is supposed to end President Business' reign as an evil Donald Trump-like figure and restore unrestricted creativity to the Lego World. Then Act One kicks off into overdrive, like a kid that's chugged a bottle of Mountain Dew and has found your candy dish.

Oh yeah, the start of The Lego Movie is hyper as hell. Act One is super fast-paced, designed to draw the younger audiences in and keep their attention. My head almost was almost spinning at one point, although it slows down much later for all other age groups to enjoy. The story, which switches to the real world briefly, teaches all of us to be creative and believe in ourselves. Touching and poignant, not bad for an animated feature.

Other cool things happen in The Lego Movie too, including other characters that join the fray and help Emmet on his quest. Batman, Superman, and even some basketball stars join up, and (albeit very briefly) a certain other Lego franchise I won't mention here shows up in a cameo. Neat.

My favorite character, though, is Benny, a beat-up, scruffy spaceman minifigure that you would find in an older sibling's closet or shoebox. A little man out of his time, Benny is OBSESSED with Lego's 80's and 90's spaceship sets, and is always attempting to build one of his own. At the end of the movie, by God, he does. And the results are chaotically fun.

Also, it snowed like hell on Sunday, and so I spent the day indoors watching "Aliens" (still awesome after all these years) and "The Master". The latter, at least to me for some reason, is unbelievably hilarious on a "Mommie Dearest" level. So much outlandish stuff happens, including a scene where Phoenix and the late Hoffman play a game called "Pick a Point" on a motorcycle.

You should check all these movies out. Stay warm until next time.

So last night I had this messed up dream.

It was probably due to watching this movie last night before I went to bed. Specifically this part below. That and "Westworld".

Thanks, David Cronenberg!

Watch out for lethal viruses, and caveat emptor.

If you can, watch a post-apocalyptic horror film called "Carriers". I got it when it first came out in I think 2009 but I hadn't watched it in a while. Two couples travel across the country to find somewhere safe to hide after a virus wipes out most of the population of the United States. A pretty solid cast (including Lou Taylor Pucci, whose character was the dude that got stabbed in the eye in the "Evil Dead" remake). Chris Pine swings for the fences as the sardonic older brother that resents his younger sibling while fighting to stay alive in a virus-ravaged world.

But it's Christopher Meloni that knocks it out of the park as a frantic dad trying to get his infected daughter to a makeshift clinic where he hears there's a serum that can cure the disease. Years ago Stephen King wrote a short review of "Carriers" and sang high praises of Meloni's performance, and I wholeheartedly agree with the author. That review is what make me watch "Carriers" in the first place, for sure.

"Carriers" is pretty intense for a PG-13 fare though, so kind of prepare yourselves. At one point the little group of survivors come across a doctor that's preparing a special batch of Kool-Aid, Jonestown-style, for the slew of his sick patients that are beyond hope. I warned you all this was a post-apocalyptic horror film, didn't I?

Also, in real-world movie tips, be wary if you buy a used movie from anywhere. Just had an experience with my used copy of "A Horrible Way to Die" that make my insides tighten and started to turn my bowels into ice cubes. 

Before you pay for a used movie at the store, ask to look at the disc(s) first. Make sure it's not all scratched up and beat to shit. Also, some used movies are copies that people buy from Family Video or other rental places. These store copies have a circular sticker in the middle of the disc. The used movie shops peel these stickers off, but the adhesive is still suck to the DVD, which can play hell on your player if you're not careful. In this case just take a small dab of Goo Gone and gently wipe that stuff off, then take a buff cloth to both sides of the disc when you're done. Should be as good as new.

If you're a local Northeast Ohio reader, The Exchange is pretty diligent about taking care of their stock. I've been going there for years, and they'll cooperate with any reasonable requests you have.

Cheers, and stay safe out there. Don't get burned by a killer virus, or damaged DVDs for that matter.

Just going over some points here.

No writings on any specific movies at the moment. I'm kind of not in the mood right now. Shit's going on, but I feel the need to get some film-related things off of my chest. Most of these points were spawned by a dinner conversation that went horribly awry. Much like "You're Next", but without getting shot at by crossbows afterwards (looking back, this would have been a blessing).

FIRST, Star Wars and George Lucas. Sorry to all my friends, but I'm not a fan of either. All those years ago I was tired and fatigued of Lucas going back and digitally adding things into the Star Wars franchise's first trilogy. "But it wasn't the movie I wanted to make," he said.

What a cop-out. Even THX-1138 had to be digitally redone before it got a wide release on DVD. What a pain in the ass. And the latter is a good movie too. Shame. George Lucas, you made the movies. They're your babies and they're loved by millions. Have the courage to embrace them for what they are. Or were, for that matter. And as for the digital editing, STOP ASSUMING I DON'T HAVE AN IMAGINATION. It's INSULTING. The story alone is engaging, and I don't need robots and mutants everywhere to add to it.

Besides, the basic plotline for Episode 4 is pretty much a sci-fi take of Kurosawa's "The Hidden Fortress" anyway. Plus the final battle at the Death Star is the same from the World War II dogfight movie "Dambusters". Your favorite space opera is a remake, sci-fi fans. Saddle up and handle that.

Secondly, this writer named Amy Nicholson wrote a pretty scathing review of the new Mark Wahlberg movie, "Lone Survivor". Glenn Beck freaked out, and this woman's Twitter timeline and at-comments are now filled to the brim with the most vile, hateful, and disgusting 140 characters from his acolytes. Fucked up. Don't believe me? Just search @TheAmyNicholson on Twitter. More vitriol added by the minute. Not joking.

Does Nicholson's review take a condescending tone at some points? In my opinion, sure. But Jesus Christ, the woman has an opinion on a DOCUDRAMA. And she acknowledges the real-life heroism of the Navy SEALs and the tragedy of what happened to that SEAL team. So she's entitled to an informed opinion on a MOVIE it's based on. She shouldn't be threatened or harassed for expressing said opinion. It was bad enough when I told my high school classmates I didn't care for "Black Hawk Down" back in the early 2000's.

Back to my first point. I have an acquaintance, John, who is a die-hard, hardcore, Star Wars fan. But I would NEVER threaten the guy. Or call him un-American. Or threaten to have him deported or shot. As a matter of fact, we hung out at a party with a bunch of others on New Year's and had a good time playing board games and Cards Against Humanity all night. It was nice. You know why? Because I'm not a PSYCHO if someone else has a different opinion or in Nicholson's case calls "Lone Survivor" jingoist propaganda.

Different strokes for different folks, motherfuckers. Get a grip.

Finally, Oscar nominations. In a fair and just world James Franco would be nominated for Best Supporting Actor in "Spring Breakers". And Wendy Glenn for Best Supporting Actress in "You're Next", for the classic line, "I want to fuck on this bed next to your dead mom."

You're doing it all wrong, Oscars. You're doing it all wrong.

The Internet Archive and my PS3

I'm going to wait on the PS4. First, I don't think a lot of great games are out for it yet. Secondly, and most importantly, I've got a ton of movies on my PS3 HDD that I enjoy. I can't get rid of the system just yet. Thanks to the Internet Archive (Disclaimer: it's just a website I enjoy and this blog post is not an official endorsement), I've turned my PS3 into a portable nostalgic box office.

Your local Best Buy or movie store too expensive? Hell, just go to the Archive and download a bunch of classic movies that have fallen into the public domain. If you've got a New Year's resolution to save some cash, this is a good start. You don't have to be rich to enjoy classic films. As my grandmother says, "I can squeeze a nickel 'till the buffalo shits."

First, you've got your obvious movies like "Night of the Living Dead", "Nosferatu", and "Carnival of Souls" if horror is your game. Then there's some lesser-known classics, some of which I've enjoyed recently. One of these movies is the British wartime spy/drama/comedy "Cottage to Let".

So this wartime evacuee from London, a cocky teenage kid, gets sent away and dumped off at a Scottish estate run by a socialite and her mad scientist husband (Leslie Banks from "The Most Dangerous Game", free to download at the Archive too!). The kid is bored and despondent, but not for long. The guest cottage is turned into a military hospital which takes in a crashed Spitfire pilot. Another boarder takes over one of the rooms, and it's obvious he's not who he says he is.

It also turns out that the scientist is developing a bombsight for the Allies, and the plot takes off when German spies pull off a snatch and grab in the third act, taking both him and the prototype sight. It's pretty good, there's some great comic relief, romance, and action sequences too, which is surprising for a black and white movie.

Then on the Archive there's some movies that are either unique but not great, or are just so bad they're good. In the former you have
"Things to Come", the movie based on the story by H.G. Wells. It's not great, just unique, and there's some post-apocalyptic and science fiction action at some point. In the latter you've got "The Incredible Petrified World", a cheese-fest of a movie that I think was featured on MST3K. These hapless divers go into this giant diving bell and then explore underground caverns. Basically, it's a low-tech movie version of Minecraft.

OH! And I almost forgot to mention this. If you're going to download some movies and make a playlist, you can't go wrong with downloading some drive-in theater intermissions or other stuff to use as filler. The Archive even has Duck and Cover! Yes, the movie that was shown to all of the kids during the height of the Cold War, basically telling them that their school desks, a newspaper, and even a picnic blanket would protect them all from a nuclear bomb blast.

Aaaah, nostalgia. It's the start of a new year, but any time is a good time to enjoy free classic black and white movies, pop open a Coca-Cola, and FIGHT COMMUNISM!

Why I wasted my time with the ATHF movie

First of all, there's really no point talking about "Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters". The film, like the show, makes absolutely no sense. Want a review or a synopsis? Look elsewhere. But there are two reasons why I gave it a view and gave up two hours of my life I'll never get back.

First, to promote both the movie and the latest season of ATHF coming out, two guys working for Turner Cable and Cartoon Network caused a PANIC in Boston years ago. They put up LED lights of Mooninites giving Bostonians the finger, and some poor sap thought it was a bomb, due to exposed wires and circuit boards. Pandemonium ensued, and the two artists were later captured for inciting panic or some shit. Because as Bush said, the TERRERISTS ARE FREEDUM HATERS. 'MURICA.

When people realized what was going on was a publicity stunt, they got released on bail. Then the artists held the greatest press conference/live trolling event ever, to further promote the "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" movie. Observe.

Second, the very beginning of "ATHF Colon Movie Film for Theaters" needs to be shown before the screening of EVERY SINGLE MOVIE EVER. It tells people not to be loud in the theater via animated food items. But these animated food items (a dusty old gumdrop, moldy nachos, a stale pretzel, a box of Sno Caps) are part of a DEATH METAL band, and threaten murder, mutilation, and genocide on anyone that uses a cell phone, tapes the movie illegally, or even crunches their food or wrappers too loudly to disturb the movie theater experience for others.

It's in my opinion the only part of this movie worth watching. As with all other movies, DON'T TALK, WATCH. DON'T be a loud dick in the movie theater.