The Raid 2, and power-ups in which you should imbibe.

Last week I saw Captain America: The Winter Soldier, which I thought was pretty cool (I want to see more FALCON in the future, goddammit!). But it in no way held a torch in any way, shape, or form to the awesomeness that was The Raid 2: Berandal. The sequel to the 2012 slam-bang mile a minute action extravaganza does have a serious flaw, though, in the story that's a little too long and a little too ambitious for its own good.

The undercover cop infiltrating the big bad crime syndicate and starting to crack under the pressure. The mob boss' pompous, entitled son who feels he is heir to the throne and wants to be more than his dad's feckless errand boy. People getting smoked and buried in shallow ditches out in the middle of nowhere. Enough wiretaps to give Detective Lester Freamon a hard-on. It's the crime story we've seen before, in the likes of Casino, A Better Tomorrow, Scarface, The Wire, et. al..

Now, I'm not saying Gareth Evans and crew are dummies. Far from it, friends! Merantau was awesome. The Raid was awesome. Even the "Safe Haven" segment in V/H/S 2 kicked some serious ass. If you're a kick-ass writer, don't let Evans' talent go to waste; send your stories and treatments to Indonesia in his general direction immediately. I'm talking to you, Hollywood. That's all I'm saying.

But the martial arts and action sequences, when they happen after calms in the storm, truly shine. The third act, for example, kicks off with a high-speed chase and shootout where our hero Rama has to fight multiple opponents inside a speeding vehicle.

Pretty wild stuff. I hate so much to use the vernacular by conversing in "bro-speak", but there's no other way to put it: if you don't see The Raid 2, or if you haven't seen the first one, you're a whiny eunuch. A pussified punk-ass bitch. That is all.

While I'm on the subject of ultra-violence, if you're a Battle Royale fan you should pick up The Battle Royale Slambook. Lots of cool essays on Koushun Takami's novel, the subsequent manga, and Kinji Fukasaku's 2000 film. One essay comes from a writer that was one of the first people on the planet to read Takami's Battle Royale manuscript, back when it was a submission to a horror writing contest.

Another writer extrapolates what may have inspired Takami to write the dystopian novel in the first place, and writes a heavily detailed and informative essay about Japan's "Lost Decade" as a result. Check it out.

Also, grab Dark Souls II. And Chocolate Necco Wafers (Harlan Ellison is a huge fan of this candy, which fills me with pride). Who cares if I've worked in one of the dirtiest parts of my factory this week? I'm on a roll.

I think I watched "Aliens" too much as a kid.

Almost a year ago I'm at my local chain bookstore, ready to purchase the latest volume of Negima! and perusing through all (but few, sadly) splatterpunk novels that are in place within the horror section. I'm trying to decide if there's something here I want to buy too. Then out of the corner of my eye I see someone's wrist holding something shiny and metallic. My field of vision and sound is suddenly overwhelmed with both a bright green LED light and an electronic buzzing sound.

My first thought? Stun gun. Some years ago someone told me about how he fended off a derelict turned would-be robber that was armed with one. So I felt my swift reaction was at the time justified: I smacked the offending object out of my assailant's hand, then shoved him into the bookshelf, sending paperbacks cascading.

It was a scared-looking teenage kid, but even after deducing he was harmless, I was a little too pissed to care at that moment. Namely, I asked him what kind of shit he was trying to pull, and how he thought he got off on sticking foreign objects into other people's faces.

"It's the Doctor's sonic screwdriver," he half-shrieked. "I was just playing around! I'm sorry!"

I had no idea who The Doctor was. Or what kind of a twisted purpose a "sonic screwdriver" served. Because THAT was my first ever experience with the Doctor Who franchise, people. Some dumbass kid walking all over a Books-A-Million and jamming his 11th Doctor's Sonic Replica into other people's faces full blast.

I made the vague threat that his sonic whatever-it-is would become a sonic suppository if he kept up his sonic shenanigans. Then I left my potential purchases, the spilled books, and the shaken kid there, fuming and livid. What kind of a show was this Doctor Who anyway? Who did these people think they were? So I started to ask around.

It wasn't long before I got a mysterious response from someone I follow on Twitter: "No answers for you. Start with the 9th Doctor. Go!" So I obliged. Why not?

My verdict at first? I hated the first few episodes I saw. The Doctor's flippant and passive attitude in the face of mortal peril was one big goofy grey area for me. Plus he wanted to negotiate peace terms with other very violent sentient life-forms. What bullshit, I first thought.

There were aliens trying to KILL this other hero alien, for crying out loud, which in my book justifies what I call the Ripley Response. I watched Aliens maybe way too much as a kid. If an ugly-looking alien screws with someone in a movie, I think they have the God-given right to shoot it, flamethrower it, or blast it out of an airlock into oblivion. Yeah!

Then this episode came along called "The Long Game". I won't go into tiny details here, but basically The Doctor kicks this dude out of the TARDIS because the latter was trying to wrongfully exploit a cybernetic enhancement he had put into his brain for profit. GTFO of the TARDIS, Adam. Nice seeing you. It's been real. FINALLY, there was a tangible right and wrong that this character followed.

Then I got into the show. I'm by no means a die-hard fan, but I've enjoyed most of the episodes and I'm awaiting the new season too. I'll also venture so far as to say Doctor Who has made me a slightly better and more open-minded nerd where I wasn't before. Whenever I dust off Fallout 3 and play it again, for example, I try to help some of the NPCs instead of focusing on blasting Raiders with a Mini-Nuke for the umpteenth time.

But by no means am I buying a replica Sonic Screwdriver. Ever.

Two men enter, one man leaves.

One thing I always enjoy or look forward to in action or even horror/suspense films are fights that take place in very confined spaces. No bells, no whistles, no games - just two (or more) combatants that are very willing to beat, maim, and seriously hurt each other in very close quarters. Hats off to the casts and crews that pull this stuff off too. Making a movie has difficulties in itself, but making an action scene where camera, sound, and lighting equipment take up most of the space where a brawl occurs looks nigh impossible!

First off, elevators. You can't get more close-quarters than this, in my view. Just for the hell of it I re-watched 1996's Extreme Measures the other day. Not only did I get the idea from this blog post from the movie, but this one takes the cake for me regarding the elevator category. Towards the end of this medical suspense thriller Hugh Grant's character brawls with a crooked cop inside of a lift. Both men vie for the elevator controls. Both good cops and Gene Hackman's mad doctor await in the ground floor lobby. All the while there's enough elbowing, head-bashing, kicking, and even pistol-whipping to make you dizzy. The scene is very short, but feels a lot longer (thanks to Danny Elfman's great score). In this clip, the fight starts at 6:07.

Yes, Hugh Grant plays a character that actually kicks some ass. Who knew? You can also see some elevator combat in Die Hard With a Vengeance where according to Hollywood, people don't go deaf after shooting in a closed lift. Also, Merantau (yep, Gareth Evans would go on to make The Raid) has a great elevator fight towards the end. My dear friend Brad Fetrow also mentioned Drive, and I give that one a nod, but it's not so much of a fight as Ryan Gosling's character basically just Hulks out and stomps a dude's head in. Ouch.

Next, bathrooms. The place where people go to answer nature's call also happens to be the perfect place to settle scores in the world of movies. For me, the bar was set pretty damn high and has yet to be beat with the bathroom brawl that takes place in 1979's The Warriors. Two gangs wreck a bathroom, and it's pretty awesome. Bats and chains swing, knives slice, porcelain toiletries are shattered, and mirrors and stalls crash into bits. Even the girl gets involved when she bites a dude!

Other bathroom fights that are good? Well in my book you've got the beginning of Casino Royale (great opening titles from that one, also mentioned by Fetrow), The Man from Nowhere, the hotel bathroom brawl in True Romance, and Rob Zombie's Halloween remake, where Ken Foree basically gets smashed into a steel stall partition, then stabbed. Damn.

Then there's fights that take place in close quarters all over the goddamn place. The kitchen fight in You're Next, where household cutleries are taken to people's heads. Also a dude has the kitchen door kicked into his face. Yeah! There's the train car brawl between Connery's Bond and Robert Shaw in From Russia with Love, which is an iconic gem. Never seen it? I feel sorry for you.

But probably the craziest close-quarters fight I've seen in a movie in recent memory goes to the South Korean horror-action romp I Saw the Devil, which features a three-way fight to the death in a moving car that's going very fast. It doesn't end well.

The movies 2LDK and Aragami were also mentioned to me. Both apparently have fights in close quarters, but I have yet to see them. When I check these movies out, or see any other ones featuring a fight in a tight spot, I might make amendments through future posts.

"Robocop", the Hero's Path, and horror movies I had actually never seen.

Finally got around to seeing the "Robocop" remake this weekend, and it's not bad. I just have a problem with the story. Those who read a lot of mythology know the basic premise of "the hero's path", the trajectory of the protagonist from humble beginnings to lauded hero. Well, in ancient myth, I say "trajectory" because traditionally the Hero's Path is a one-way trip. There's no going back, especially when the final step of the journey involves sacrifice (usually the ultimate sacrifice) after the whole trial by fire thing.

The Robocop remake plays it too safe, in my opinion, and makes the hero's journey into a revolving door. It's not like the original (and also touched upon in "Robocop 2") where there's no going back for Alex Murphy after he (albeit unwillingly) crosses the threshold and becomes Robocop. There's no going back to a white-picket fence, McMansion, and suburban family after a calamity like that, people.

Again, the "Robocop" remake isn't bad. It's worth watching. But making the hero's quest more safe story-wise worked better with "The Lego Movie", which I enjoyed a whole lot more.

Also, believe it or not, as a horror fan I had never seen "The Collector" and its sequel, "The Collection". I have a movie that's similar to "The Collector", which came out back in 2006, called "Gag". Basically, same premise - a burglar breaks into what he thinks is an empty house, but finds a killer has taken the family hostage.

My verdict? "The Collector" is a modern day classic (light years better than "Gag", that's for sure), and "The Collection" is also surprisingly great. The sequel also has some cool cast members. Andre Royo (Bubbles!)! Lee Tergesen! Check both movies out.

Weekend Movies

This weekend, I checked out "The Lego Movie". It's not quite what I was expecting, but it was great nonetheless.

The story is pretty simple: a Lego Construction minifigure, Emmet, spends a (painfully) average but happy life in the city of Bricksburg. While juggling his construction job, he follows the everyday rules that make everyone else there joyful, but complacent. Park between the lines! Watch reality TV with friends! Always use your turn signals! Always return a compliment! Buy expensive coffee on the way to work!

The adventure kicks off for Emmet, though, when he's captured by the evil President Business (Will Ferrell, enjoyable as always) and his right-hand man, Good Cop/Bad Cop (Liam Neeson: good, but kind of weird seeing him in an animated feature). See, Emmet finds the "Piece of Resistance", a strange-looking block that is supposed to end President Business' reign as an evil Donald Trump-like figure and restore unrestricted creativity to the Lego World. Then Act One kicks off into overdrive, like a kid that's chugged a bottle of Mountain Dew and has found your candy dish.

Oh yeah, the start of The Lego Movie is hyper as hell. Act One is super fast-paced, designed to draw the younger audiences in and keep their attention. My head almost was almost spinning at one point, although it slows down much later for all other age groups to enjoy. The story, which switches to the real world briefly, teaches all of us to be creative and believe in ourselves. Touching and poignant, not bad for an animated feature.

Other cool things happen in The Lego Movie too, including other characters that join the fray and help Emmet on his quest. Batman, Superman, and even some basketball stars join up, and (albeit very briefly) a certain other Lego franchise I won't mention here shows up in a cameo. Neat.

My favorite character, though, is Benny, a beat-up, scruffy spaceman minifigure that you would find in an older sibling's closet or shoebox. A little man out of his time, Benny is OBSESSED with Lego's 80's and 90's spaceship sets, and is always attempting to build one of his own. At the end of the movie, by God, he does. And the results are chaotically fun.

Also, it snowed like hell on Sunday, and so I spent the day indoors watching "Aliens" (still awesome after all these years) and "The Master". The latter, at least to me for some reason, is unbelievably hilarious on a "Mommie Dearest" level. So much outlandish stuff happens, including a scene where Phoenix and the late Hoffman play a game called "Pick a Point" on a motorcycle.

You should check all these movies out. Stay warm until next time.

So last night I had this messed up dream.

It was probably due to watching this movie last night before I went to bed. Specifically this part below. That and "Westworld".

Thanks, David Cronenberg!

Watch out for lethal viruses, and caveat emptor.

If you can, watch a post-apocalyptic horror film called "Carriers". I got it when it first came out in I think 2009 but I hadn't watched it in a while. Two couples travel across the country to find somewhere safe to hide after a virus wipes out most of the population of the United States. A pretty solid cast (including Lou Taylor Pucci, whose character was the dude that got stabbed in the eye in the "Evil Dead" remake). Chris Pine swings for the fences as the sardonic older brother that resents his younger sibling while fighting to stay alive in a virus-ravaged world.

But it's Christopher Meloni that knocks it out of the park as a frantic dad trying to get his infected daughter to a makeshift clinic where he hears there's a serum that can cure the disease. Years ago Stephen King wrote a short review of "Carriers" and sang high praises of Meloni's performance, and I wholeheartedly agree with the author. That review is what make me watch "Carriers" in the first place, for sure.

"Carriers" is pretty intense for a PG-13 fare though, so kind of prepare yourselves. At one point the little group of survivors come across a doctor that's preparing a special batch of Kool-Aid, Jonestown-style, for the slew of his sick patients that are beyond hope. I warned you all this was a post-apocalyptic horror film, didn't I?

Also, in real-world movie tips, be wary if you buy a used movie from anywhere. Just had an experience with my used copy of "A Horrible Way to Die" that make my insides tighten and started to turn my bowels into ice cubes. 

Before you pay for a used movie at the store, ask to look at the disc(s) first. Make sure it's not all scratched up and beat to shit. Also, some used movies are copies that people buy from Family Video or other rental places. These store copies have a circular sticker in the middle of the disc. The used movie shops peel these stickers off, but the adhesive is still suck to the DVD, which can play hell on your player if you're not careful. In this case just take a small dab of Goo Gone and gently wipe that stuff off, then take a buff cloth to both sides of the disc when you're done. Should be as good as new.

If you're a local Northeast Ohio reader, The Exchange is pretty diligent about taking care of their stock. I've been going there for years, and they'll cooperate with any reasonable requests you have.

Cheers, and stay safe out there. Don't get burned by a killer virus, or damaged DVDs for that matter.